im so tired. im so wired.

i have officially been here one month today.. i dont know where the time has gone.

there are moments when i feel suspended in time,
that that minute will never end, or the hour will never pass and ill be stuck in this jeepnie or tricycle for the rest of my life

but then i blink my eyes and its sunday again and i wish i could live the previous week one more time.

but also,

the newness of me has worn off.

there are times here that i feel useless, inadequate and burdensome. there are times when i do feel alone and unneeded.

i have grown close with one of the older girls who is to be adopted soon, she has been severely abused in the past by her male relatives. she writes me notes on a daily basis and slips them under my door sometime during the night, so that when i wake up they are there. sometimes there are two or three notes. each note is filled with so much sadness and hurt that i don’t know if i can respond.

her desire to be loved is so strong that it scares me and makes me back away. in my head im thinking: what if i let her down? what if i cannot provide the friendship she expects from me? what if i dont have the ‘right’ words to comfort her?

she has since stopped talking to me, or looking me in the eye when i ask her how she is, and just generally ignoring me. i might as well be blend in with the wall when i go into her room to say hi.
but still every morning i wake up and there is a note on my bedroom floor and every day i respond…

the other night when i was wondering what i should do about this situation, i picked up a book i’ve been reading and stumbled upon this passage:

“we have forgotten that it is often in
‘useless’ unpretentious, humble presence to each other that we feel consolation and comfort.
simply being with someone is difficult
b.c. it asks of us that we share in other’s vulnerability,
enter with him or her into the experience of weakness and powerlessness,
become part of uncertainty and give up control and self-determination.
and still whenever this happens,
new strength and new hope is born.”
– henri j. nouwen, Compassion

i am realizing that i am an idealist by nature but a realist by profession.

i now no longer dream of ending poverty or changing the lives of every person i meet. i cant provide water for needy communities,
heck i have a hard time waking up in the morning and trying to smile. let alone fix anything.

but i think the passage taken from Compassion reminds me that some people just need someone there and that is something that i CAN do. i cant guarantee i have the answers that this girl is looking. but i can write notes and play uno and listen to filipino music and eat junk food and talk about boys and God and that is going to have to do.

in other news, i woke up at 4:00 am to fry 60 beef patties for breakfast…

ive taken two showers and i still smell like beef grease 14 hours later. yum.

thats all for now from the cheeeeese meisterrrrr.


4 replies on “im so tired. im so wired.”

Your reflections are wrenching. Nowen is incredible. Have you read “In Jesus Name”? My favorite book of all time, hands down. Anyways, I was at this place called L’abri this past month and they stressed the concept that many times in life the truth is that people don’t necessarily need answers to questions. Answers to questions create dependance on people. By creating a dependant relationship with someone not only do you not help them, but you create a relationship in which you are DESTINED to let them down and possibly draw them away from a need to walk by faith. Instead, they suggested the need for perspective. Perspective can be shown not only through words, but through presence. Perspective allows you to see from their eyes, and them also from yours. I don’t really know where I am going with this but I feel like you are experiencing something trully genuine and I really enjoy seeing that and hearing about it.


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